Friday, January 14, 2011

"I don't know where I'm goin'..."

It's sunny and 60 degrees in Orlando, on the Friday of our one-week stay in this Disney-fied Florida town.  I spent Monday at Epcot, Wednesday at Islands of Adventure, and today, when most of my fun-lovin' friends hopped the shuttle to the Magic Kingdom, I stayed put.

Don't get me wrong: I love the parks.  The Harry Potter ride was AWESOME.  And today, upon checking Facebook, when I saw my fellow castmates' insta.gram photos with Mary Poppins and other characters, I had a teensy flash of FOMO.  But all in all, I'm glad I stayed home.

It's no secret that we have the best job in the world.  We get to travel to the most interesting, metropolitan, fabulous cities and rock out for money.  We stay in great hotels and people throw us parties.  We sign autographs and wear fake eyelashes and bevel for pictures at the stage door.  But sometimes, it's necessary to take some space.  Hence, it's 4:54pm, I am still in my pajamas, and I haven't seen another human being or uttered a word today.

When you haven't taken alone time for a while, it can be a bit scary.  I don't do idle time well. My learned belief, most likely picked up somewhere along my childhood or adolescence, is that busy equals important and idle equals lazy.  But as I've grown older and started meditating, I've learned that idle can be healing, nurturing, and insightful.  Here is the insight I've gained today:

Since the turn of the new year, I have felt a new urgency to plan my year, to trim the fat in body, mind, and relationships, to organize everything from my Kindle books to my suitcase.  However, with all the excitement of warm weather and water rides, I haven't taken action, and to me, it feels like I've been sitting in a dirty diaper.  Enter today's Operation Solitude.  Now mind you, I haven't taken great strides today.  On the contrary, I realized that my desire to compartmentalize everything is simply a diversion from what I really need to do this year:  have faith, and wait.  There are a LOT of "I don't knows" happening in my mind: 
* I want a Broadway gig so I can have my dream AND my husband in the same city, but I don't know what will happen when my time with ROA is over and I have to start at square one. 
*I want to make a difference and help people live in their greatness but I don't know if I want to teach fitness anymore (I am super scared to publish this fact, but I hope you understand that I am growing and changing). 
*I want to have a baby but I don't know how long it will take to get pregnant, or if I will make a good mom. 
*I want to experience spiritual growth but I don't know how I will feel after attending my next big Oneness Intensive conference. 

Note and full disclosure:  Any of the aforementioned "I don't knows" can be replaced with "I'm afraid that".  Yes, I'm on to myself.  Fear is a bitch.

What became clear today is that, much to my chagrin, no amount of de-cluttering, label-making, or re-folding will help me know any faster (even though it did feel good to de-clutter my follow list on Twitter.  Just sayin').  Bottom line:  I just have to (freaking) wait.  Take it day by day.  Stay honest and positive, do my best, put my intentions on loudspeaker, and have faith.  So, without the "I don't knows," (and "I"m afraid thats"), here's what I'm left to blast to the blogosphere and beyond:

*I want a Broadway gig so I can have my dream and my husband at the same time.  ROA at the Helen Hayes sure would be sweet! ;)
*I want to make a difference and help people live in their greatness.
*I want to have a baby.
*I want to experience spiritual growth. 

Now that feels a little better.  At least I know what I want.  And no, I don't know in what form they will appear.  But that, my friends, is not up to me.