Faithfully Yours

Well my friends, thanks for hanging in there after my last cliffhanger post!  We made it through the L.A. experience (separate blog on that to come- it deserves its own post) and came out clean on the other side.  We are currently rocking in beautiful Costa Mesa, CA, and things are clearer.  Much much clearer.  

My last post spoke cryptically about change and decisions and faith, etc... well, I can now tell you what's going down.

For most of you who follow all things Rock of Ages, you know that two weeks ago, we lost Joey Calveri to the Wonderland machine.  Joey's departure was the first of several on the horizon, and while we celebrate his Broadway debut and the addition of the crazy talented (and super fun) Justin Sargent to our band of leather-clad thieves, it was the catalyst for much more change.  This week we lose our dear, dear Rebecca Faulkenberry and Mig Ayesa, who are jet-setting back to NYC to re-open ROCK OF AGES on Broadway (March 24 at the Helen Hayes, people!  Get your tix!) along with our own Dan Domenech.  As you can imagine, it is a huge loss, to lose two of your principal actors on the same day.  Tears are already welling up as we anticipate their departure next Monday, and as I reminisce on the past six months, I feel so grateful to have been part of the original clan, this family that found each other in the name of rock, on the dusty road, on a wobbly contract (sorry SETA but let's call a spade a spade).  Bound together by the HEART that drives this show and the support of the creative team and producers, we find ourselves teetering on the brink of change.

New on the scene this week are the wickedly talented Elicia MacKenzie and Peter Deiwick as Sherrie and Stacee Jaxx (respectively).  They come from us directly from the Toronto cast of ROA, and having seen them in rehearsal this week, they are going to be phenomenal.  I am really excited to work with them both, which leads me to my next big reveal.

After much reflection (and many conversations with both agent and husband), I have decided to sign on for another six months.  I am very excited to share that I will be taking over as Dance Captain as of April 11 (I can’t even talk about losing Lindsay yet so I won’t), and the three of us felt it was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.  I am SO excited to wear this new hat.  I am also nervous, as it’s a huge responsibility.  But I am up for it, I am ready for it, and I am really looking forward to it!  Of course, for all of my peeps at home in NYC, this means I will NOT be returning to teach for a little while longer.  I know you understand why I made the choice I did, and I am ever grateful for your support in this journey.  I love you and miss you, and look forward to seeing you again after the summer.  I know you are well taken care of, as I love getting your updates and keeping up with you on Facebook.

So, things are still shifting into place, but they have a concrete destination at the moment.  New people, new cities, new adventures are on the horizon.  I am grateful.  I do struggle daily with the idea of being away from my husband for another few months.  But, as my post-ROA goal is to get pregnant, I am embracing this opportunity to tour the USA and absorb all it has to offer.  I am blessed with the best husband in the world, who supports my dream as if it were his own.  I recently expressed my feelings to a close friend about how I feel like people judge me for choosing to be apart from him during our first year of marriage, and she beautifully pointed out that it is a wonderful gift to spend our first year of marriage exploring so many cities across America together.  Thank you Erin for that gift of perspective.  Next stop on our extended honeymoon: San Fran!

Well, lights out for me, as we have a put-in tomorrow for Peter and Elicia and I want work out and grab a green juice at 118 Degrees beforehand!  Speaking of which, I am reading The Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr at the moment, and I am INSPIRED to change my eating habits!  Do yourself a favor and pick up this book.  Carr (a cancer survivor who also penned Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips) is witty, sassy, and well-versed in doing a body good.  AND she mentions intenSati in her book... love it!

Much love to you today and always!  We gotta have faith!

Erika

Faith: Between The Rock and a Hard Place

Greetings from Seattle, a breathtaking city with great food, fresh air, and friendly people!  This is the first city in a while where I haven't been onstage at all, and although I definitely miss it this week, I am also grateful for it, because I'm trying out some new things with my diet (I haven't had alcohol since Feb 1 or meat since Feb 3) and processing some new energetic goodies I picked up at my Oneness retreat last weekend.  Physically, I have allowed myself to slow WAY down this week.  Instead of blazing calories aggressively on the elliptical at 140 beats per minute, I have enjoyed some fantastic pilates and yoga classes, and even spent one gorgeous morning not working out at all (gasp!) and talking about The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts with two strangers in the hot tub.  And despite the seemingly lazier week, I am still satisfactorily sore.  Yay!


On the work front, the foundation is shifting, and there is a lot of change in the air.  Not surprisingly as a result, there is crazy energy and deafening speculation buzzing around our teased little wigged heads.  Several people are experiencing sleepless or restless nights.  Emotions are running high.  I will refrain from commenting on specifics, but the show, she is a-changin'.  Add in the pressure of the impending HUGE Los Angeles opening next week and the Broadway re-opening next month, and you have a LOT of peeps experiencing simultaneous growing pains and succumbing to the mercy of the unknown.  It is both inevitable and uncomfortable (but please make no mistake, my friends:  We are still ROCKING 8 shows a week- it's our favorite thing!).


When I graduated from high school, I received one of those long-winded cards spilling with poetic advice on how to live life post-cap-and-gown. I cut out the following passage and committed it to memory: "When you have to make a decision, make the best decision possible in the moment, then forget about it. The moment of absolute certainty never arrives." 17 years later, I still come back to this quote when I'm feeling indecisive.  And last weekend at my retreat, I learned that the desire for certainty is one of those pesky little cravings that keeps us in a pattern of suffering (as a side note, the craving for variety does too). Crap. I'm suffering! Waaaah!
When faced with the threat of (or opportunity for) change, I squirm like a four year old in Latin Mass.  Blame it on my Taurean nature, my craving for significance, or fear of the unknown, I want to always know that I am in exactly the right place, taking the best option for my long term benefit, and in control.  This is why I don't like flying, skiing, or horseback riding- activities that remind me I am small, insignificant, and definitely not in control.  This is also why I quit performing after September 11 to become a General Manager.  I wanted certainty in a world that was falling apart.  But, like they say, the only real certainty in life is change.  So here I am, and here we are, a band of guitar shredders and headbangers and pole vixens, sitting in the not-knowing like a dirty diaper, and all we can do is shrug our shoulders, shake it off, and wait, together.  No amount of speculation will satisfy.  We just have to (freaking) wait and see how it plays out.


At the risk of sounding cryptic, there are decisions to be made.  Some are my choice, and some are out of my hands.  So, since I don't have absolute control (and never will), I choose to have faith.  Faith that the outcome will be for my highest good and the good of all others.  Faith that I will be happy and satisfied.  Faith that the lessons of 2011 will strengthen and feed my soul, and feed the souls of my friends.  And yes, faith in the Divine Hand of God.  I am really tired of trying to muscle through without THAT help.  And the Big Guy knows I have certainly tried!  No matter what, in the end, things work out.  They always have, and they always will.


I leave you tonight with the question:  where in your life have you forgotten that faith is an option?  My friend and life coach Jo taught me that life begins when you embrace fear and uncertainty, and leap with abandon into the abyss.  THAT is when you grow, and learn, and experience joy like never before.  I look forward to the day I can share with you the questions and circumstances that inspired this blog entry (God I hope it's soon!!!).  Until then, much love and faith to you!  We are in this love together!


Supporting you,
Erika

"I don't know where I'm goin'..."

It's sunny and 60 degrees in Orlando, on the Friday of our one-week stay in this Disney-fied Florida town.  I spent Monday at Epcot, Wednesday at Islands of Adventure, and today, when most of my fun-lovin' friends hopped the shuttle to the Magic Kingdom, I stayed put.


Don't get me wrong: I love the parks.  The Harry Potter ride was AWESOME.  And today, upon checking Facebook, when I saw my fellow castmates' insta.gram photos with Mary Poppins and other characters, I had a teensy flash of FOMO.  But all in all, I'm glad I stayed home.


It's no secret that we have the best job in the world.  We get to travel to the most interesting, metropolitan, fabulous cities and rock out for money.  We stay in great hotels and people throw us parties.  We sign autographs and wear fake eyelashes and bevel for pictures at the stage door.  But sometimes, it's necessary to take some space.  Hence, it's 4:54pm, I am still in my pajamas, and I haven't seen another human being or uttered a word today.


When you haven't taken alone time for a while, it can be a bit scary.  I don't do idle time well. My learned belief, most likely picked up somewhere along my childhood or adolescence, is that busy equals important and idle equals lazy.  But as I've grown older and started meditating, I've learned that idle can be healing, nurturing, and insightful.  Here is the insight I've gained today:


Since the turn of the new year, I have felt a new urgency to plan my year, to trim the fat in body, mind, and relationships, to organize everything from my Kindle books to my suitcase.  However, with all the excitement of warm weather and water rides, I haven't taken action, and to me, it feels like I've been sitting in a dirty diaper.  Enter today's Operation Solitude.  Now mind you, I haven't taken great strides today.  On the contrary, I realized that my desire to compartmentalize everything is simply a diversion from what I really need to do this year:  have faith, and wait.  There are a LOT of "I don't knows" happening in my mind: 
* I want a Broadway gig so I can have my dream AND my husband in the same city, but I don't know what will happen when my time with ROA is over and I have to start at square one. 
*I want to make a difference and help people live in their greatness but I don't know if I want to teach fitness anymore (I am super scared to publish this fact, but I hope you understand that I am growing and changing). 
*I want to have a baby but I don't know how long it will take to get pregnant, or if I will make a good mom. 
*I want to experience spiritual growth but I don't know how I will feel after attending my next big Oneness Intensive conference. 


Note and full disclosure:  Any of the aforementioned "I don't knows" can be replaced with "I'm afraid that".  Yes, I'm on to myself.  Fear is a bitch.


What became clear today is that, much to my chagrin, no amount of de-cluttering, label-making, or re-folding will help me know any faster (even though it did feel good to de-clutter my follow list on Twitter.  Just sayin').  Bottom line:  I just have to (freaking) wait.  Take it day by day.  Stay honest and positive, do my best, put my intentions on loudspeaker, and have faith.  So, without the "I don't knows," (and "I"m afraid thats"), here's what I'm left to blast to the blogosphere and beyond:


*I want a Broadway gig so I can have my dream and my husband at the same time.  ROA at the Helen Hayes sure would be sweet! ;)
*I want to make a difference and help people live in their greatness.
*I want to have a baby.
*I want to experience spiritual growth. 


Now that feels a little better.  At least I know what I want.  And no, I don't know in what form they will appear.  But that, my friends, is not up to me.

What I Like About You...

Hi!
I am sitting in my cute suite in Plantation, FL.  It's a cloudy day and 69 degrees, and I have rehearsal soon.  But I am so very happy to be here.  Last night, after the most hellacious travel experience of all time, I finally arrived in Fort Lauderdale, having missed opening night due to the blizzard in NYC.  I stopped at the hotel to check in and put my contacts in, and headed right to the theatre, as I was on for the Groupie.  Despite the long travel day(s) and frustration, I was SO ready to jump right back onstage. When it was over and my body ached all over (as if to say "What the HELL did you just do to me!?"), the only feeling I had was GRATITUDE.  I love my job so much.  I love this show so much.  And I love these PEOPLE so much.  I think you need to know how amazing they are.  And we all know they are amazing in the show, so I am going to concentrate on what you may NOT know about them from seeing them rock out.  Ahem:  In honor of my love for my ROA family, I present to you:  WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU:  The Cast Edition!


In Alphabetical Order:


To MiG Ayesa (Stacee Jaxx):  I love YOUR love for your beautiful wife Simi, how you light up when you talk about her, and are so proud to be her man. 


To Angela Brydon (Waitress #1):  I love how comfortable you are in your own skin, and your willingness to accept all of us exactly as we are.  Jersey needs to turn out a couple more of you, girl.


To Joey Calveri (Joey Primo):  I love that you march to the beat of your own drummer, I love your opinions and philosophies and deep thoughts, even though I think some of them are crazytown!  :)


To Nick Cordero (Dennis):  I love your chill vibe, your deep and juicy creative spirit, and your total commitment to our ROAdy Productions videos.  There's a REASON why you are Obi Wan Cordero!


To Rebecca Faulkenberry (Sherrie):  I love your ability to keep perspective and balance.  I love your genuine and warm smile and how you are always PRESENT in a conversation.  And your boobs are awesome too.


To Lindsay Janisse (Young Groupie and Dance Captian extraordinaire): I love your silliness, your commitment to health and wellness, and the quiet command you have in any situation. You are a total star, even with Lupe having her WORST day.


To Sean Jenness (Booth Master):  I love that under all of the ridiculous vocal riffs and shots of Jameson, you are 100% trustworthy, 100% genuine, and 100% supportive.  I truly value your opinions and I see how supportive you are of everyone else.


To Holly Laurent (Swing Power!) I love your ability to stay cool and calm in stressful situations.  I love your comfort in knowing who you are.  And I really see you as a nurturer.  Mostly because you can hold people's hair when they puke and don't end up puking yourself.  Love you girl!


To Patrick Lewallen (Lonny):  I love your simultaneous puppy dog excitement and chill vibe.  I see you as the mascot of the show, and I love watching you discover how freaking much you can do with your talent.  You are NOT just a karaoke DJ, honey.


Constantine Maroulis (Drew):  I love how you rally the troops and organize Monday Night Football, impromptu hotel parties, and good times!  And yes, your hair does smell great. :)


Lauralyn McClelland (Constance Sack):  I love your brilliant sense of humor, and cannot wait for the day you are on SNL. Also, I love your capacity for LOVE.  Your sensitivity toward others is so beautiful.


Rashad Naylor (Ja'Keith/Mayor):  I love your ability to take everything into perspective.  I love your joy, your discipline, your impromptu lyrical dances and lip smacks, and your nasty nasty ad libs!!


Josh Sassanella (Swing Power!):  I love your work ethic, your absolute creativity (and mastery of imovie), and your willingness to lovingly smack me down when I'm being unreasonable.  And I love that your sense of humor is a mirror to mine.  I also love your balance between man and little boy.  Until there is too much little boy.  Then we get in a fight. 


Teresa Stanley (Justice):  I love your quiet, calm, wise, motherly vibe.  There isn't a selfish bone in your body, and your compassion for others is beyond measure.  You are trustworthy, dependable, and completely fierce.


Casey Tuma (Regina):  I love your generosity and thoughtfulness, your compassion for others, and your fabulous taste in food and shopping.  :).  I also love your enthusiasm for keeping us all together with game nights, outings, etc.  Miss Class President!


Bret Tuomi (Hertz):  I love your dependability.  You are one of the pillars of the company- stoic, strong, consistent, and willing.  And, although you keep it on the QT, you are freaking hilarious.


Travis Walker (Franz):  I love your love for 90's hip hop and R&B.  I love your connection to family and good friends, and I love that you never try to be anything other than the star you are.  Genuine, heart of gold, funny as hell.


J. Michael Zygo (or just Zygo, Swing Power!):  I love that you came in here late in the game, knew your shit, put up with people calling you "Not Dan," and still it feels like you've been here since the beginning.  You are HILARIOUS and creative and I want you and Jill to have babies when Brian and I have babies so they can be best friends and get married. 


I also want to send a huge shout out to the management, tech, merch, and band peeps and intend to shout you out individually as well, but if I do it now I will be fired for missing rehearsal.  I love you guys and am so proud to be in this family. 

Swingtown in the Motor City

Dudes.  We have a situation.  Call in the backup.
Oh wait, I am the backup.  I'm a swing.

For those of you who aren't theatre peeps, a swing is a person who understudies several ensemble tracks and sometimes one or more principal roles.  We are supposed to be ready to go on at a moment's notice when a member of the onstage cast gets sick/injured/vacation time, etc.   ROA has four kick-ass offstage swings (2 guys, 2 girls) and one equally kick-ass offstage male standby to cover the 14 people who rock on the front lines every night.  When one is offered a swing track in a show, there are always mixed feelings.  First you feel iffy because you don't know if you will ever REALLY go on (an internal battle for any performer ego, let's be honest).  Then you get stoked because you get to learn and potentially perform different roles, hence upping the challenge and excitement in a long contract.  Next you tech the show and get overwhelmed with notes, numbers, and traffic that you can only document in your swing book and not feel physically until who-knows-how-long later, when the lights hit you for the first time and it's full tilt boogie.  Finally, you come to contentment with being the one who is trusted with this difficult yet important job, and you are sometimes just as grateful to hang in the dressing room and knit during the show as you are to take your turn on stage.

This week in Detroit, a 24-ish hour flu bug has reared its ugly head, and is running rampant through our cast.  In the past 5 shows, three of the swings (present company included) have been onstage.  Last night three girls called out with the flu, and one had to muscle through (as there are only 2 chick swings to cover).  Tonight we started the show with a full cast, but by "Dead Or Alive" I was hastily getting into hair and makeup to take over for one of the girls, who quite suddenly fell prey to the pesky virus mid-show.  I took over after intermission, and finished it out with what I hope was nothing more than minor inconvenience to my colleagues onstage and off, as it was my first time on for that track.  All in all, I felt pretty good!

As a swing, we always hear about these circumstances, an old story being rehashed in post-show dramatic fashion at a bar.  But tonight was the first time it happened to me.  I consider it a rite of passage to have experienced and survived that last-minute emergency scenario, as if I earned a hardcore swing badge I can now wear with pride.  It feels like going from brown belt to black belt.  Writing that makes me sound borderline crazy, but the point is, even though it was far from perfect, it's always nice to be reminded of a few things:
1.  We know more than we think we know.  We just have to remember to trust ourselves.
2.  People will always be there to help you when you need it.
3.  Being perfect isn't the point.  Your best is good enough, and you CAN thrive under pressure.
4.  Sometimes it's better to just jump in, instead of letting anticipation get the best of you.

Ironically, I was already set for my debut in that particular track tomorrow night.  I am excited to do Act One, which is more challenging than Act Two.  But I won't be stressing it now as much as I would have, had I not been thrown on tonight.  So again, as a swing, I am grateful.....

...and quarantined in my hotel room, armed with antibacterial spray, my neti pot, a strong mouthwash, and comfy candles.  Soon I will go to bed, surrounding myself with healing, flu-preventing love.  I'd rather save the day than call in sick.  And so it is!

Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin... Again...

Today is Sunday, which, when on tour with ROCK OF AGES, means one of two things: 1. SHOT NIGHT, or 2. Time to pack up and move to the next city. Today is a packing day. Tomorrow we move to Detroit, which is only the fifth city on the tour, but we are already growing weary of the mobile lifestyle. I miss my dresser, and my bed, my closet and my towels and shower curtain. Silly things. My kitchen table. The way the light hits my kitchen in the morning.
For those readers who have never been on tour, here’s how it works. We live out of 2 suitcases and one small trunk, the latter of which travels with the show trucks and stays at the theatre. Our total belongings cannot exceed 200 pounds (100 in the suitcases, and 100 in the trunk). One must be strategic about where to store our items so as not to exceed the baggage weight limit when flying. Sundays force us to mentally take stock of everything we own, categorize it into trunk vs. suitcase vs. trash can (sad but true), and then use remedial physics to fit it where we need it to go. We do-si-do between the theatre and hotel, swapping out black boots for brown, fall jackets for puffy coats, until it all fits, and we can go for that end-of-city drink to take the edge off (shout out to Nicholson’s Gastropub in Cincinnati, who created a custom ROA drink menu during our stay here!).

There is something charming about living with less (I recently picked up the book Radical Simplicity, written by Dan Price, who lived his entire adult life in a tipi with a sleeping bag, hotplate and an outhouse—a little extreme but refreshing and oddly inspiring), but every once in a while I have a mild freak out. Last night I had a dream that I returned to my hotel room to find that the sink and toilet had been removed (which I interpret to mean that my creature comforts and needs are at a bare minimum and I’m not happy about it). I woke up, checked to make sure the toilet was still there, and stumbled to my single serve hotel room coffee maker. I unwrapped a disposable coffee cup from the ever-present plastic wrap that seems to cover every dish and utensil have used since September, and longed for my favorite coffee mug (a white ceramic mug with a picture of a red-lipped, mean faced bee that says “Bee-otch”). And I got a little cranky.

Because I am a Taurus and into Things and home and hearth and all of that earthy stuff, I have to create a home in my hotel room. If you ever come to visit me on tour, here’s what you’ll find in my room:

*Lavender vanilla room spray, purchased on my honeymoon
*A very handy and extremely functional CVS brand mini-humidifier. It is compact, good for the ol’ voce, requires only an upside down water bottle, AND combats that dry hotel feeling. Love this and cannot live without it.
*my 6-inch tall Buddha statue
*at least 2 books (right now I am reading The Girl Who Played With Fire and Awakening into Oneness: The Power of Blessing in the Evolution of Consciousness. A little intrigue, a little spirituality. I like this combo.)
*CANDLES for ambience and a nice scent- an absolute must to transform any space!
*My portable iPod dock (nothing like old Craig David in the fall to stir up cozy memories of my crock pot and couch)
*A photo of me, Brian, and our dolphin friend Ladwani, taken on our honeymoon
*My netbook, which I use to skype with Brian and connect with the outside world, as well as watch The Event on Hulu.
*My favorite soaps, shampoo, and lotions (no hotel samples for me… I need my stuff)
*Assorted scarves to drape over uninspired furniture

It’s not luxury, but it feels that way, considering the weight of the statue, candles, books, and ipod dock! But I need these things to stay sane.

So today, in between shows, I’m heading back to the hotel to pack. I do, by the way, always unpack when I get to a new city. I like to hang my clothes up and see what I have. I take comfort in having a sock drawer. On tour, it’s the little things that bring joy. But the re-packing. Not fun. Especially when you’ve been in a city that doesn’t offer much in the way of things to do (ahem, Cincinnati…) besides go shopping. In the last two weeks, I’ve acquired 2 pair of shoes, a new pair of pants, and a new bottle of perfume. But I NEEDED them. ;) I mean, a girl can’t get through fall without a pair of brown flats. What else would I wear with that new Michael Kors sweater I picked up in Minneapolis? Sheesh!

By tomorrow evening, I will be setting up my little home in Dearborn, MI. I am so excited to venture to Ann Arbor for a few days, and even guest teach a few classes at my alma mater, The University of Michigan, for the Musical Theatre and Performing Arts Management students! And even with all of the packing, un-packing, and re-packing, it’s most valuable to remember that, as I mentioned in my last blog, home is not necessarily a specific place. It’s in my husband’s touch, the electricity of a Steelers game day in Pittsburgh, the taste of chipati at Pizza House in Ann Arbor, the reunions with old friends along my travels. I am so, so lucky. Wishing you a cozy Sunday in your home sweet home, until next time!

Every Rose Has its Thorn

I am sitting alone in my hotel room in Cincinnati, catching up on a few of my fave blogs (you MUST check out the best running blog I've ever read, Michelle Hates To Run), and I realized that my blogger profile still read "soon to be married woman."  I got married on September 25, so I changed my profile to read "wife" instead. 

My husband was here last weekend and got to see me in the show for the first time.  I was excited, and he was loving and supportive and proud, as he always has been, and always will be.  When I first saw the show Off Broadway in the fall of 2008, he was there, and he turned to me and said, "You HAVE to be in this show."  He not only supported my dream to do ROA, but also shared my dream as if it were his own.  He wanted it because I wanted it.  And when I got it, he insisted that I sign on, despite the fact that the contract conflicted with our wedding, honeymoon, and that sacred first year of marriage.  It's the relationship you dream about, the marriage that skeptics say isn't possible, and it's mine.  He is my perfect match, my best friend, my soul mate.  And those pecs... whew!  ;)

If this dream job of mine has any downside, it's that I have to live my life away from him.  Aside from our Saturday morning coffee talk over skype, we see each other every two weeks.  He patiently endures the endless commuting, delays, and drama at the NYC airports for a quick two night stay anywhere I am.  He brings me my mail and waits for me at the stage door, always with a silly grin and open arms.  He banters with my new friends and sings along in the audience.  And, no matter what city we're playing, when we crawl into bed at night, we cuddle up, look at each other, and say, simply, "home."

I don't know how to express the magnitude of my gratitude for him.  So I figured a blog shout out wouldn't be a bad place to start.  I love my life and I adore my job, but I miss him every day.  I am, however, grateful for the feeling, because I'd rather miss him than not know what it feels like to have that Great Love.

The point of this entry is this:  We are all worthy of Great Love.  And we should all experience it.  If I can, you can.  Please don't settle for less.  Be specific, hold out for your dream, communicate, and enjoy.  It is possible.